Hello.

Growing up has been quite a journey to know who really I am. I'm sure that goes for everyone!

Being born next to one of the most beautiful and diligent people I know on earth, my Ate (sister) Mitch, it had been wonderful but honestly tiring. Because I was born just a year after her, I’ve been compared to her (I think, some people still compare me to her up to date! And I guess til forever?) quite a lot. I would say my parents really did their best to love us both equally (which I sooooo appreciate), by that I mean, I’m dad’s favorite and she’s mom’s. I think they really had the “deal”.

Yet, even when I was a favorite, I strived for my Papa’s affection as if I’d lose it anytime when I would fail his expectations. Even more so when I needed to perform to get my mom’s attention and approval. I grew up being friends with fear and insecurity. And I was just trapped in a cycle of performing and competing against my sister without her knowing how I felt back then. I did the dishes, the cooking, the errands and every household chore you could name – I did all of it! I showed my best kindness to them so I could prove myself worthy to be loved. I felt “delighted” whenever my dad affirmed me. Actually, he did affirm me even when I fail his expectation. He’d provide for anything what I say I needed. But it was a sure struggle getting a “thumbs” up from my mom who always wanted me to be in the top of my class just like my Ate. I usually ranked 2nd. I was assured by my dad’s love but I had to constantly work hard to be okay with my mom. It was as if I was accepted but not “really”. I felt rejected but not “really”.

In the same way, I too realized that my approach to a relationship with God had been quite the same. I actually grew up hearing the gospel in Kids’ Sunday School. I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior as early as I can remember as a child. When I was 10, I was already serious in my relationship with God. I remember, there were times when I woke up so early in the morning to read Psalms (which I didn’t entirely understand). To some extent, I identified with David. But most of those days, I just read it just for the sake of reading. We had Christology class in the Baptist School I went and my teachers said that reading the bible is literally hearing from God. I appreciated the reality of coming into the presence of God who made the whole universe. I enjoyed every moment of it! But every time I sinned then, I felt distant toward God. I felt that I need to perform rightly next time and not fail Him again. It was a bad resolution because I can never achieve perfection on my own. I knew forgiveness was already assured but the guilt of sin was still eating me alive. I felt forgiven by God whenever I asked for repentance but not “really”. I felt accepted by my loving heavenly Father until I did something wrong again. That went on for years and I struggled to forgive myself until I was reached out in campus ministry in college.

God reintroduced me to the gospel through Ate Lovely. She was a fulltime student and a fulltime disciple of Jesus! She invited me to attend the Youth Service and plugged me in to the discipleship journey. She told me again the story of the gospel and recommitted my life to the Lord. I realized that my wrong theology of God shaped my thought process and habit of performing. To be more specific, my salvation depended on me, on my performance, on my good works and NOT on Jesus’ finish work at the cross.

From then, my theology of God has been redefined. Truth of the gospel tells me that Jesus substituted me in my place of condemnation because of my sins. His righteousness was exchanged to all of my unrighteousness. I am fully known by God, my deepest and darkest secrets were before Him and I am still deeply loved. I fear no rejection. I’m secured! I no longer need to perform to be accepted. His utter forgiveness has been made available and all I have to do is receive His relentless and unconditional love. Nothing could be simpler and more effortless (on my part) than that, though it cost God Himself so much to bring me back to “the” relationship with Him. My guilt and shame, self frustration and disappointment were taken away from me once and for all – nailed to the cross and God graced me with His love, affection, approval, adopted as a daughter, eternal presence and everlasting peace with Him. Oh, what more could I asked in life if God Almighty loves me this much and more?!

I am beloved. He’s pleased with me. I am God’s delight. I am His favorite. I am forever His. This is who I am.

And the same good news goes for you! God’s love is soooooo vast and overflowing to each of 7 billion people. He’s that awesome to love everyone the same – yes, we are all His favorites like how He loves His Son.

When we embrace the truth of the gospel, only then can we find our identity.

Ever knowing that we’ve been so loved deeply; finally, we’re free to be you and me.

Sons and daughters of the heavenly Father, co-heirs with Jesus Christ, our souls’ Redeemer.

P.s. I happened to share my testimony to a local Thai leader during a short-term mission trip which I also went with my sister, Mitch. Then it was her turn to share her story. Lo and behold, she also testified that she had same sentiments with me. We were very shocked to hear one another’s struggle growing up. Ever since then, we’ve never been so close! We’ve forgiven one another and we’ve decided to overlook our imperfect upbringing. We too realized that my parents did have great intentions for us. She was in good terms with my dad before he passed away. My mom is also growing “fond” and has become more supportive of me even as a campus missionary these days.